


i'm stuck in the closet, i'm so claustrophobic

by Duck_Life



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Charles Xavier Is a Jerk, Friendship, Gay-Lesbian Solidarity, Gen, Healing, Homophobia, Past Mind Control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 13:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17725883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life
Summary: Xavier repressed Jean's telepathy. What else did he repress? What other students' minds did he mess with?





	i'm stuck in the closet, i'm so claustrophobic

Xi’an’s swimming in term papers, her students’ chicken scratch handwriting all starting to blur together, when there’s a knock on her door. She gets up, hearing all her joints pop, and goes to open the door, somewhat surprised to see Bobby Drake on the other side. “Uh, hi,” he says, looking a little lost. “Can I come in?” 

“Be my guest,” she says, stepping back. “ _ Bienvenue, monsieur.  _ There’s champagne chilling in the icebox. You can leave your coat and shoes with the doorman.” Her room’s smaller than some of the kids’ dorms, and she’s got shoes and books strewn everywhere. “What’s up, Bobby?”

“I can’t sleep,” he says.

“Lying down usually helps,” she points out. 

Bobby mumbles something she can’t hear and scratches the back of his neck. “I mean, I’m here because… jeez, I’m sorry. It’s stupid. This is stupid. I just wanted to talk to someone else who studied under Xavier—” She opens her mouth to point out that nearly everyone they know fits that description. “—  and was gay.” 

“Oh,” she says, not really sure what else to say. She glances over at the Keurig on her desk. “Do you want some tea?”

Minutes later, Bobby sits on the edge of her twin bed, holding a cup of tea with both hands. She watches him from across the room, turned around in her desk chair with her own cup of tea. “This… this is stupid,” Bobby says again. “I’m just being paranoid and… and, I dunno.”

“Bobby,” she says evenly. “Just tell me what you came here to say.”

He sighs. “Have you met me? Uh, I mean, the other me. Sixteen-year-old me.”

Xi’an nods. “Briefly.”

“So you know what he’s like, pretty much. I mean, when he came out… he just really went for it. I mean, he’s out there living his best life. Living  _ my _ best life. And I can just tell that he’s so much  _ happier _ than I was when I was sixteen. He’s so much more comfortable. And I think… what’s the difference between him and me?” He sips his tea. “The difference is that he got away from Xavier. And I didn’t.”

Xi’an puts a hand over her mouth, upset… but not astonished. She thinks she gets where Bobby’s going with this. She definitely gets where he’s coming from. “And you think… ?”

Bobby shakes his head, his cup of tea tremoring a little in his hands. “I don’t think that the old man was homophobic. Not really… I mean, it wasn’t like that. But back when I was a kid… back when he brought us together, that first team of gifted impressionable youngsters, I know what his goal was. He wanted humans to have a pretty face to put on mutantkind. And… and the plan never woulda worked if one of the X-Men was gay.”

Xi’an sips her tea, letting all the thoughts in her head tumble around and fall into some semblance of order, like Boggle cubes. “I… don’t know what to tell you,” she says. “Professor Xavier is dead. And I don’t have any proof. But…” 

“Yeah?”

“After I spent months under the control of the Shadow King,” she says, old ghosts reflected in her eyes, “I came back to the New Mutants and I was…  _ relieved _ to see that Professor Xavier was no longer in charge. Yes, of course, I had my doubts about Magneto, we all did. But by that point… I had  _ seen  _ what somebody could do with that kind of power over the human mind. I knew what Charles was capable of. And I… I felt that it would not take much for him to actually do it. He was like Farouk— just another side of the same coin.” 

“I didn’t feel comfortable being myself until  _ after _ Charles was dead,” Bobby points out, sounding horrified with himself even as he says it. “And… and I really, really thought that was just a coincidence. But, God, who knows?” 

Steam from her tea floats upward in a steady swirl, and memories float with it. “Charles forced me to take possession of Illyana once,” Xi’an remembers. “Forced her to go to Limbo and bring us home, even though she was  _ traumatized _ . I already doubted his intentions by this point, but after that…” She shudders, angry at Charles, ashamed at herself. “Charles Xavier recruited me because he wanted to teach me. But what he taught me… was that I never want to be like him.” 

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Bobby points out, “suspecting and not knowing, or… or if it was true, and we knew for sure? That we could have been living the truth for so much longer. That he…  _ took _ that from us.” 

His voice breaks and he puts a hand over his mouth, shaking a little. Xi’an sets her cup of tea down and reaches out, takes both of Bobby’s hands in hers. “We’re here now,” she reminds him. “We’re here now, and we’re  _ us _ . And nobody, not even Charles Xavier, can ever take that away.” 

He wishes he could believe her. But maybe it’s enough that she’s saying it, and that he’s hearing it. Maybe that’s enough. 


End file.
